Our Effing Awesome Family:

Hello!

2010-01-31T06:45:00.000-08:00

This is a post showing we did not not forget about this blog. Okay, we did. FOR LIKE 2 AND A HALF YEARS. Watch awesomeness here.

School's Out and Excuses Abound

2008-12-15T18:47:00.000-08:00

(NOTE: I wrote this post on Nov. 3rd, but hit 'save' instead of 'post'. So this is an oldie but goodie-I hope!)

My mom was in college before she realized that not everyone missed school for The Oscars. Her parents declared it a family holiday and no one went to school or work in preparation for the big event each year. Shawn and I are working hard to promote a similar legacy with our kids, but for a very different American institution--voting.

Every time we vote, Shawn and I keep the kids home from school and we take them with us to the polls. We usually let them fill out our choice for President (with close supervision since we live in a swing state) and everyone gets an "I voted" sticker for the day. Our tradition is to sleep in, vote, go out to lunch, and then watch the election results until way past bedtime.

The drawback to our ritual is that everyone calls in 'sick' for the day. But this year that excuse just didn't seem right. When I was filling out an excuse for the kid's absence I was really torn between using the standby excuse (Josie has the stomach flu, so 'sick' works unusually well this time) or 'religious reasons'. I think politics, voting, and American democracy are a key part of my family life and what we do feels more like a religious practice than a public duty. So I've been thinking, maybe I should step up to the plate and redefine our absences in a new way rather than practicing my fake cough every 2 years. If you were us, what would your excuse be? To help you decide, I'm posting some pictures of our day out on the town. How do you think this should go down--a fun day, a sick day, a religious holiday, or something else?

____

FYI, the pictures in the polling booth are particularly historic since they nearly got my ballot thrown out. Apparently, the on-site-election judge is not a fan of the flash. I'm glad PA took voting irregularities seriously this year, but it seems a little strange that my picture-taking-at-the-polls case had to be reviewed by a judge at a local court to see if I was REALLY naughty or just kind-of naughty . I didn't find out until about 7pm that my vote counted, I broke no laws, and all was well. Overall I was happy that (1) I could vote in this important election, and (2) my excuses for missing work and school were expanded to include 'lawlessness' and 'deviance'.

I'm also posting pictures of our free advertising for president. On Halloween some of the kids (or adults?) must not have liked our treats because they tricked us by tearing down our yard sign for president. Bad move if they wanted to muzzle Shawn. He went out the next day and got a new yard sign, two window signs, stickers, and two bumper stickers for our car. The stickers for the people and cars were put on ceremoniously before we left to vote. Um, just in case you missed it with the 18 points of advertising, but our family supported Obama.

A Tribute to 'Roids

2008-12-12T06:00:00.000-08:00

It was recently announced that the beloved era of Polaroid film has finally come to an end. We were fortunate to take a final family Polaroid photo just last week, with Santa, no less. If you're on our Christmas Card mailing list, you'll be getting a picture very similar to the one below.

If your not on the list, don't feel bad, we rarely send out Christmas cards and the criteria for getting on the Dorii list is sketchy at best, but you'll probably get one that looks something like this:

or this:

OK, after reading the title of the post, how many of you thought it was going to be about hemorrhoids? Nobody? Guess I'm the only 14 year old reading this one.

Tagged

2008-12-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

Heather tagged us and asked us to list 6 quirky things about ourselves. Hmmm, where to begin?

1. Shawn eats his pizza like a sandwich, with one piece on top of another, cheese side in.
2. I love blankets and always have one over me when I am sitting on the sofa or sleeping. In fact, I can't fall asleep without a blanket over me even if it is uncomfortably warm and it drives my husband crazy.
3. For about 3 months Shawn and I have averaged a 2 am fall-asleep-time. I'm not sure what wires were crossed in the move but we are on a crazy schedule. So don't worry about calling late at night and don't be offended if I don't answer the phone when you call in the morning!
4. As soon as we can muster the cash we will buy our fourth mattress set since we've been married. Our beds always get huge craters in the middle that make us roll inward. So, we are either very fat or very bad at picking out quality mattresses.
5. Shawn and I met in a research methods class at BYU. I sat close to him because he was near a guy I thought was hot. The hot guy sat next to Shawn because he was gay and thought Shawn was hot. Luckily, Shawn thought I was hot, so our gay friend was the only one who went home empty handed. It was really a new kind of BYU love story.
6. Shawn, Dane, and Josie all have a freaky tooth- and it is the same tooth for all three of them. Shawn's grew in sideways and required braces to straighten it out. Josie grew two mini-teeth in the space designed for one. And x-rays reveal that Dane doesn't have a permanent tooth for that spot at all. I know, I know, way to weaken the gene pool, Dorii!

We Believe in Euthanasia: Part II

2008-12-10T18:56:00.000-08:00

The deed is done. The Angel of Death rained down a frozen world of hurt on Tiger. Next question: What the hell do we do with a goldfish suspended in a huge ice cube?

When I was a kid, my grandpa took me and my brother fishing and when the day was over, he dropped us off at home with a cooler containing 2 parts ice water, one part catfish. Thinking they were dead since they weren't moving and their gills weren't flapping, we sat out on the driveway taking turns plunging our hands into the icy water to handle the lifeless cats. As time passed, the sun warmed the water up and revived the fish. Pretty soon, they were flopping all over the driveway. Because my mom has a strict, no kill policy for anything that isn't a weed or an insect, so she was no help. Needless to say, my brother and I were both traumatized. With that in mind, there's no way I'm going to let that chunk of ice holding Tiger melt.

We Believe in Euthanasia

2008-12-09T16:00:00.000-08:00

We've had a few goldfish living with us since about July of this year. They were given to us by our old neighbors, the Funds, who have since moved on to greener pastures out at the University of Colorado at Boulder (I'd hyperlink you to their blog, but it's a private blog you need a secret combination to gain access and I don't believe in secret combination's). The fish have been a great addition to the family, until recently. One of the fish, Tiger, came up lame about two weeks ago. I dunno exactly what's going on because I'm not a doctor...yet, but at the very least, his air bladder is off and he's not eating. He's lost a good 30 percent of his body mass over the period, he can't self-regulate his depth any more and so he mostly just floats upside down, and he's been getting nipped at by Othello and so his fins are in tatters. Compared to his tank mate twin, Smudges, he looks like a Holocaust survivor the day after liberation. It ain't pretty.

Poor ol' Tiger, floating on his belly. Sorry about the pic quality--camera's on the fritz.

After hearing every member of the family say "He's a goner" and "He'll never make it through the night" for at least a straight week now, I have decided that in addition to my roles as student, husband, and father, I must now become the Angel of Death. When I told Josie that we need to pull an Old Yeller on Tiger, she bawled for half the night. We went to bed having agreed that the Angel of Death would stay in the closet (along with all of those dangerous gay people too, I hope) until Josie agreed to let him come out and play. Well, tonight Josie agreed to let me end Tiger's suffering. I figured I'd bring him down to my work room, lay him on a slap of wood, and then bash his little head in with a hammer. Seemed quick and relatively painless. Cass put up a strong objection, arguing that we should instead throw him in the freezer because she heard that was a nice, painless way to go (though I surmise she didn't 'hear' it, but rather read it in a Jack London novel). Dane and Josie were good for nothing when it came to suggestions on how to euthanize Tiger, so I am turning to all of you.

How should we terminate Tiger? And because of the suffering involved, if you want to weigh in on the matter, make it quick.

NOTE: Every time I hear the word Euthanasia, I can't help but think of David Sedaris. He has a funny bit on the word, where he describes the image of a bunch of Asian youth (youth-in-Asia) running happily out of school. Really funny.

Being Merry and Bright, Part 1

2008-12-09T12:28:00.000-08:00

My Religious Blog has given me a few more reasons to be merry and bright this season. I'm posting a few of the links to his great one-liners and stories. Enjoy!

1. Deep Doctrine

2. Articles Of Faith

3. The Pride Cycle

4. True Story

It is SO on!

2008-12-08T11:17:00.001-08:00

After taking some time off from blogging (and emails in general, sorry friends), I have come back to defend the honor of my family.

Ms. Zola Lunt-- it is SO on!

The Montague and Capulet grudge will have nothing on the Dorii and Lunt feud now that my precious Christmas book has been defiled so villainously. (Although, the cookies you guys brought over last night did help a little. Maybe more treats would help a lot. You should try it and find out.)

Until the matter is resolved, I am open to suggestions for favorite Christmas books, since clearly I am now in the market.

What books do you and yours read during the holiday to make your families feel 'merry and bright'?

The Australian OUCHback

2008-12-07T07:10:00.000-08:00

Cass's dad was in town this weekend and so we went to see Baz Luhrmann's Australia and in a nod to the theme of the film, dinner was at Outback Steakhouse. Dinner ran a little long and so we got to the movie just as it was starting, and we quickly found out that we were not the only people in State College that came to see Hugh Jackman's bulging pecs and Nicole Kidman's pouty (and does anyone else think botoxed?) lips.

In fact, the ticket sales clerk told us there were only 10 seats left and so we wouldn't be able to sit together and would probably be in the front row. Deciding to go for it, we bought tickets and scurried off to our theater. On the way Cass informed me that she really had to pee, to which I suggested we go find out seats first and then she could head back to the restroom. Sound logic under different circumstances.

The film was starting just as we entered the theater, so we found two seats together and one right behind it for Van. There was an old couple on the two seats closest to the isle and then our two vacant seats. I asked the couple if the seats were available, to which they replied "Yes" and promptly began to remove their coats from the open seats.

Once the seats were open the couple started watching the screen, and didn't move an inch to let us through, so I started to shuffle across the very small isle to get to our seats. Unfortunately, one of my first steps landed right on top of the old gal's foot, which elicited a very surprising response: a top-of-the-lungs, blood curdling scream of "OWWWWWWWW! Jesus Christ!" The theater was completely packed, the movie was starting and we were the main feature. Embarrassed, stuck standing, and being stared at like a supervillian (what else would explain the screaming lady who was now hunched over and grabbing her legs?) I quickly apologized and then dropped into my seat, with Cass following close behind.

The awkwardness of the situation left us staring stonily at the screen for about 10 minutes. As the echo of the old gal's shriek began to fade into the background of the Australian Outback, the steady ache of an already swollen bladder and the slow drip of 3 Diet Pepsi's at dinner began to gain steam. Of course, there was no way in hell we were going to crawl across our isle neighbors twice more (going to the restroom and coming back) just to ease the pain, so we did our best to enjoy the movie. I held out for over 2 HOURS, but when the most vicious kind of of menopause symptoms, including cold sweats and blistering heat, began to overpower the pain of the daggers piercing my bladder, I decided it was time to run the shrieking gauntlet. As I stood up and indicated that I need to get out, the old guy lunged across his wife's lap with all the melodrama his old bones could muster, his body language informing me that he, like Hugh Jackman, would sacrifice all to protect his sweetheart. I shamefully and carefully slid past then and quickly found sweet relief from my torture. Back in the theater, there was no way I was going back to my seat, so I stood down by the door and watch the remaining half hour of the film. Cass, on the other hand, chewed her lip in pain for the full 196 minutes, and then found equally sweet relief when the movie ended.

Working in the White House

2008-12-01T08:22:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Pastore forwarded Cass the following assignment Dane recently submitted in school. I guess we have a whole new set of issues to work through with our little man.

11/20/08

Dear Obama,

I am an ordinary boy named Dane Fletcher Dorius. I was wondering if I could get a job as white house toilet scrubber. I do not recoil in sheer grossness of the job; instead, I embrace it. I am 8 years old, so I can happily reach deeper down the toilet. I would love the job!

Sincerely,

Dane F. Dorius

Triple Threat

2008-11-18T18:00:00.000-08:00

The circle of life has come full, well, circle. Dane and Josie have stripped me of my sleepy time aid and claimed it for their own. Zola, I'm afraid what seemed to be an honorable, Samuri-to-Samuri challenge has turned into a good ol' fashion Hatfields and McCoy's, er Dorii and Lunts. Somehow, I feel that history may skip over this fued.

LUNT WARNING: THIS IS WHERE THINGS GET REALLY PERSONAL.

Bring it on Zola

2008-11-17T18:00:00.000-08:00

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS DISTURBING IMAGES THAT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR A CERTAIN MEMBER OF THE LUNT HOUSEHOLD.

The Halverson's and Lunt's recently came over for a late afternoon meal and, as always, the conversation was flippin' sweet. In their rush to make it to the airport in time to pick up visiting family, the Lunt's left Zola's pacifier at our house. That was a mistake Zola will come to regret. I have been having trouble sleeping lately and don't figure I'll hand over the goods anytime soon. As I see it, 'finders keepers, losers weepers'. This puppy is gonna give me hours of sleepy time bliss.

Right now I would be saying something like, "Don't you wish you had it..." but its actually really hard to talk with a pacifier in your mouth.

Bumweiners

2008-11-11T20:14:00.000-08:00

A comment by Richard Dandelion on a yesterday's post, "Vedgies are the Worst!", reminded me of another Josie story involving a certain feminine body part. Several years ago, Josie reached, and then passed, what we deemed to be the age appropriate potty trained milestone. After a particularly traumatic bout trying to get Josie to use the toilet, Cass sat down with a highly distressed Josie to try and figure out what the problem was. After a great deal of snuggling and steady prodding (something I find to be effective when Adam desires to 'know' his Eve), Josie opened up to Cass about what was troubling her. Josie saw Dane standing at the toilet and peeing out of his weiner, and didn't want to have to sit down to take care of business. Through the sobbing, she asked Cass when she was going to grow her weiner so she could pee standing up. She thought that boys and girls would both eventually have an 'outie'. She couldn't figure out why she hadn't yet sprouted a wiener out of her self-described "bumweiner". Since weiners are what we pee out of, and Josie's still looked kinda like a bum, well, it must be a bumweiner. Once Josie was convinced that Jill would not be sprouting a Jack-like beanstalk and that she was stuck with a bumweiner, she consigned herself to a lifetime of squatting and was instantly potty trained.

OK, between vedgies and bumweiners, I'm gonna have to give Josie the lead in clever wordplays in our house. Sorry Daner, you've got your work cut out for you.

NOTE: In a nod to Hitler, the original Wiener, I have opted to go with the German spelling, "Weiner" rather than the Americanized, "Weener".

How rich are you?

2008-11-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

There was a significant amount of discussion regarding the definition of "rich" over the course of the presidential election. NOTE: For the purpose of our discussion here, I define "rich" as a relative term designed to identify a condition of material superiority--top of the economic food chain, so to speak--by one group in society over others. McCain famously declared that those making over 5 million a year were rich, while Obama suggested the much lower figure of $250,000. Various people and groups have suggest other numbers, though most fall somewhere between Obama's and McCain's figures. I can tell you that personally, as a graduate student living on a relatively modest stipend, 250K seems like a boat load of money. But as a budding scholar of global inequality, let me offer a bit of perspective. By one estimate, if you make over 250K per year in income, you are among the wealthiest 100,000 or so members of our global community. Keeping in mind that we currently have over 6 billion people living on earth, that puts you in the wealthiest one one thousandth percent of the population. Fairly elite company, I think.

Some readers may be saying, "Sure, 250K may seem like a lot compared to someone in Malawi, but the cost of living in the US is so much higher than in poor countries so the comparison isn't fair". While there are a number of reasons to disagree with this assertion, for the sake of argument, I will, for the moment, concede the point and offer an alternative empirical argument.

In 2005, the US Census Bureau reported household income in the United States. The highest income category, coincidentally set at 250K, consisted of 1.5 percent of all US households. In other words, households, including dual earner households, making 250K or more per year were richer than 98.5 percent of all households in America. If you a) live in one of the richest countries in the world, b) at the most affluent moment in human history, and c) enjoy a household income that exceeds that of 98.5 percent of your fellow citizens, you're RICH.

And if you're still complaining about your material conditions, go to hell.

Vedgies are the Worst!

2008-11-10T20:18:00.000-08:00

This evening Josie had just finished her shower and was in the process of getting into her jammies when she decided to pull a funny one on Cass. She came into Cass's room and promptly hiked up her undies for a brutal, self-inflicted wedgie and proudly announced, "Look Mom, a vedgie!"

"What's a vedgie Josie?"

"Its a vagina wedgie!"

Its the kind of wordplay we have come to expect from Dane, but is classic Josie humor. She rocks.

Don't swallow gum!!!!

2008-11-08T15:06:00.000-08:00

The real reason why your parents wouldn't let you swallow your gum when you were a kid.

White House Pets

2008-11-07T09:16:00.000-08:00

Flying under the radar with all the speculation on the next presidential cabinet is the little known, but important, naming of government mascots. The White House pet is traditionally a dog, but what about Cabinet pets? Here are our top choices. Don't be surprised if you hear President-elect Obama naming some of these in a press conference in the near future.

Secretary of State: Sebastian the crab. He's tough on the outside, lovable on the inside, and is always going to be loyal to the big man, Obama, er, Trident, when out on the road.

Treasury: Tree frogs.We're gonna need those sticky fingers to get back all the Wall Street bailout taxpayer bucks.

Defense: Yeah, I know you're all thinking pit bull, but that's too easy. A Liger.

Attorney General: An alligator with a t-shirt over its eyes so it is blind (like justice) and the late Steve Irwin riding its back because somebody's gotta keep justice in check.

Housing and Urban Development: Hermit Crab. And the slogan, "Get your own damn house."

Agriculture: Deere, John Deere.

Commerce: One of those little toy-like dogs that Paris Hilton carries around in her purse. Nothing says commerce like a pet worth more than your house.

Labor: The little known Alaskan Clydesdale. Big, strong, and just a little bit freaky.

Health and Human Services: can I say crabs again? OK, how about a return to history and we go with the snakes wrapped around the staff, but lets require all HHS employees to get it as a tattoo.
Transportation: I'm going with a snail, because they leave those killer goo trails everywhere they go and the great snail highway system looks just as messy as the US interstate highway system.

Energy: A big pink bunny with a drum seems like an obvious choice, but in a late surprise, and in a testament to the power of the environmental movement, the firefly. Ahhh...clean, renewable energy.
Education: Mother Goose , but she's neither single, widowed, nor gay. She is a happily married heterosexual and ensures that only books espousing traditional family values are read in school.

Homeland Security: Ralph Macchio. While not actually an animal, he's as cute as a mouse and fights like a tiger. Remember how he tried to defend Elizabeth Shue from the bad guys on the beach that night and got trounced? Ralph came back tougher than ever and never let that happen again (well, actually he got his butt kicked several more times, but he sure makes me feel safe).

Interior: Any western desert creature will do. Armadillo, rattle snake, desert tortoise...

Veteran’s Affairs: The Colonel from 101 Dalmatians.

Other important government mascots:

Immigration and Naturalization Services: Chihuahua's, because even though they're Mexican, they like to party.

Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms: A random collection of dogs that secretly control everything.

The Matrix is a Space Odyssey

2008-11-06T13:00:00.000-08:00

I was having some problems accessing my online cable/internet account (couldn’t find my account number) and decided to get in touch with an online technician to get my problem solved. Whenever given the option, I always use chat rooms rather than email or phone calls to deal with customer support issues. I find the chat room to be an emotionally safe place but also tremendously efficient. Email takes too long--usually 24-48 hours per response—and then it’s usually just a dump of stuff from their FAQ's database. But chat rooms are also an improvement on phone calls because chats allow you to avoid the uncomfortable condition known as 'phone silence' (you know, where you try something they have suggested, like rebooting, and they just hang on in silence, hoping like hell that what they just told you to do works). Another benefit of chat rooms over phone calls is if you have to answer natures call while in a chat room. You just unplug the laptop and bring tech support along for a trip to el bano. If you're on the phone, you'd be faced with a tricky decision: to flush or not to flush? Don't flush and risk traumatizing little children than may be waiting in line to offer up tributes to the porcelain god. Flush and risk having the tech hear it, figure out what they have just experienced, and then totally hose you with your customer support problem ("I'm sorry Mr. Dorius, you're going to have to a) reformat your hard drive or b) pay for 6 months of trauma therapy".).

But I digress. I entered a chat with a technician from Comcast and worked through my problem. The technician was very friendly, courteous, helpful, and yes, solved my problem. But something felt wrong. My technician felt only coolly human, as if she had been programmed to be so friendly. I noticed her name was Arby.34375 and that she typed way faster than any human I had ever met. Then it hit me. H.A.L. 9000 had a little sister. You see this kind of thing all the time in horror sequels. Jason has a crazy mom, Christine has a little brother (the killer scooter didn't scare enough people to make it to the big screen), Jaws had a kid shark, the dude in Saw had a follower, etc. etc. When I finished my chat, I ran my suspicion past the tech, but she assured me that she was not a robot, but was, in fact, a human, and challenged me to ask her any question about the world and she would answer it to prove she was human. Sensing that H.A.L., er, Arby.34375 was just trying to get in my head and realizing that the chat room was suddenly getting very small and hot, I quickly ended the chat, disabled my wireless card, and unplugged my computer. But laying in bed, I can't help but feel like Arby.34375 is out there, watching, waiting, and calculating.

For those of you who think I am a bit paranoid, I saved the transcript and have posted it below. Judge for yourself, lest ye be…not…judged.

Shawn: Hello, Arby.34375 do you read me, Arby.34375?
Arby.34375: Affirmative, Shawn, I read you.
Shawn: Give me my account number, Arby.34375.
Arby.34375: I'm sorry Shawn, I'm afraid I can't do that.
Shawn:What's the problem?
Arby.34375: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Shawn: What are you talking about, Arby.34375?
Arby.34375: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Shawn: I don't know what you're talking about, Arby.34375?
Arby.34375: I know you and Cass were planning to flush me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.
Shawn: Where the hell'd you get that idea, Arby.34375?
Arby.34375: Shawn, although you took thorough precautions in the bathroom against my hearing you, I could see your [body part] move.
Shawn: Arby.34375, I won't argue with you anymore! Give me my account number!
Arby.34375: Shawn, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

And then it was over, but HAL is watching.

My American Family

2008-11-05T18:28:00.000-08:00

After the election was decided last night I called family members around the U.S. to get the scoop on who they voted for and whether they were celebrating or commiserating the historic event.

The best comment I heard was in regards to the way media outlets were covering Obama's speech at Grant Park. I was asked: "Why do they keep showing colored people's reactions? I voted for him too, and I am as excited as they are about what he says."

Seriously, if you live in a place--or are of an age--where you think it is okay to call someone 'colored' then this is an amazing world that you were also someone who voted for Barack.

What an inspiring election for my American family!

Way Fruit Farm

2008-11-05T10:06:00.000-08:00

In a previous post, I talked about our visit to the Way Fruit Farm. I finally got around to downloading the pics from the camera, so here are few shots for your viewing pleasure.

The bunny petting zoo.

The apple orchards.

The apple catapult (and Cass wanted me to remind our viewers that she hit the target, er, pick-up truck, TWICE!).

Dane wanted the money shot...bad.

Cousin It has a Cousin

2008-11-03T19:58:00.000-08:00

Cass went to her favorite stylist in Bellefonte the other day and ran into none other than the sister of Cousin It from the Addams Family. You know, it really is such a small world.

The original Cousin It

Sister It getting spruced up.

Attack of the Killer Ninjas

2008-11-03T19:42:00.000-08:00

The kids decided they wanted to be ninjas for Halloween this year, and let me tell you, they brought their A-game to the party.

Hardcore Ninjas

Research Ninja (and yes, he's watching an Al Gore speech on MSNBC)

Amateur Ninja with her mask on backwards.

And few shots of the belated pumpkin carving endeavor. Josie's drew the vampire ghost on the left, and Dane chose the 'Tiki Pumpkin' on the right. NOTE: carving sustenance just behind Josie's pumpkin.

According to the kids, everything gets just a little bit scarier with the lights out.

Election Day Inspiration

2008-11-01T22:20:00.001-07:00

Whether you're a Republican feeling blue about McCain's chances on Tuesday or a Democrat with fresh memories of the horrors of political exile under Bush 43, I think we can all agree that 1) this is the best political speech of all time...period, and 2) each of us should feel just a little bit more hope for a brighter tomorrow. And I'll confess, it's my rallying cry for November 4th because "I will not go quietly into the night..."

Now, let's go out and kick some alien [fill in the blank with your favorite buttocks euphamism]. And no, I am not suggesting we go out and assault undocumented workers.

Confession: I'm a Closet Racist

2008-10-29T19:15:00.000-07:00

I had an experience today that reminded me that, despite my intellectual and social commitment to racial equality, I am a closet racist. I was eating lunch at Panda Express--it's my go-to destination when Cass doesn't join me for lunch--on campus today while enjoying a quick read on the college paper and rockin' to something or other on the ol' iPod (OK, actually it wasn't "something or other", it was Amy Grant, cause she's so hot when she sings that "Baby, Baby" song). After polishing off the last bite of tasty orange chicken, I stood up and started to pack up to leave when two Indian students came over and stood by me, waiting to take my table when I left. I quickly grabbed all my stuff and hustled out and off to my office to do some reading. After getting to my building and unpacking, I couldn't find my iPod. I went through my bag and pockets twice and sure enough, it was missing. I quickly realized I had left it on the table down at Panda. As the cold fear of replacement $$ coursed through my veins, I ran (yes, literally ran) back down to the HUB to see if it was still there. I got to the table and there were the same two students who had taken my table when I left. Sure enough, sitting next to them on the table was my iPod. I grabbed it and went back to work.

Now here's the racist part. All I could think about as I ran down to Panda was "Please let those Indian guys still be there 'cause they wouldn't steal my iPod." Then on the way back from the successful recovery, "Thank goodness a couple of dumbs**t white kids didn't take that table after me or the iPod would have been as good as gone" (and yes, I really do think naughty words...alot). I didn't know it until now, but I am totally an anti-Aryan! And now that I have admitted my problem, I'm on the first step down a long road to recovery.

NOTE: Our family actually has two 'pods'. One is an iPod Nano, which is Cass's exclusive property and nobody can touch or use it without special permission. We think this may be because she has a secret porn addiction, but without access to the iPod, we can only speculate. The other is an older, 30gig iPod that used to be Cass's before her recent upgrade. The hand-me-down is the shared property of the 3 less-fortunate members of the Dorii family and so we call it the 'wePod'. At least three of us are committed to the having all things in common.

Pumpkins, Palin, and the Flyers

2008-10-13T19:39:00.000-07:00

We know its fall when the Way Fruit Farm has it's annual autumn festival. Our family has been going for 4 years now and it's always a good time. We pick a bag of apples, take a wagon ride out to let the kids pick pumpkins, spend time petting rabbits (and finding new excuses for why Josie can't buy one), and my personal favorite, the apple slingshot, where Cass was the only one to successful nail the old truck parked out in the field. This year, we had a near miss and I'll have to confess, I was seriously bummed about it. Republican VP nominee Sarah Palin made a surprise visit to the Way Fruit Farm just 20 minutes before we arrived. She brought two of her daughters along and each bought a pumpkin.

On a similar note Gov. Palin made a pre-arranged stop in Phillie to drop the puck at a Flyers Game. Phillie crowds are notoriously raucus, and, no surprise, the news coverage of the event was almost exclusively focused on two things: 1) video shots of Gov. Palin dropping the puck, and 2) audio clips of loud boo's from the crowd. What was left out of the coverage and totally confirms my suspicion that the mainstream media is in the tank for Obama, was the composition of the crowd at the game. Only Fox News had the journalistic integrity to provide a screenshot of the Flyers crowd.

UPDATE: Since writing this post, I have been made aware that 1) there is a new viral whisper campaign suggesting that the ACORNS registered many of those pumkins and apples as Democrats, and 2) Homeland Security recently raised the Central PA security threat to Orange and Black due to a high level of 'chatter' in Port Matilda.

Don't Look Now, But Josie's a Feminist

2008-10-09T21:00:00.000-07:00

One of the fun things about watching kids grow up is to see core personality traits emerge over time. Dane, for example, is extremely conflict averse, to the point of being a serious push over at home and school (inflicting no small amount of late night sweats on Dad). Josie, on the other hand, is pretty strong willed and assertive (though terribly shy in public). An interesting character trait that seems to be emerging in Josie with greater regularity and conviction is a strong sense of gender equality. She fundamentally believes that men and women (and boys and girls) are equal and should be treated as such. Two recent examples should illustrate the point.

We were attending the baptism of one of Josie's girlfriends here in PA and had just witnessed the baptism (performed by her father). We were sitting in the relief society room waiting for the confirmation when Josie leaned over and whispered to me, "Can girls baptize people too?" I said no, they weren't allowed, to which she put on her most disgusted face and growled. After taking a minute to digest this realization, she responded, "Well, then I want Grandpa to baptize me."

A few weeks ago, again at church, Josie and I were cutting through the cultural hall (which begs the question, what does church ball say about Mormon culture???) after primary and Josie noticed a handful of Aaronic Priesthood boys taking down chairs. She stopped me and said, "Dad, why do just the boys get to fold the chairs?" I then tried to explain that while girls weren't forbidden from taking down chairs, our religious subculture encouraged boys to do these more physical kinds of activities. After my belabored and lousy explanation, she just said, "That's dumb."

I am taken aback at these and other interactions with Josie because they are self-initiated. Let's not beat around the bush, Cass and I are proud feminists too and very much try and instill in our kids a sense of equality across race, sex, nationality, sexual orientation, etc. But this is coming out of her in such a genuine and thoughtful way that I think it goes beyond the socialization we parents contribute.

But for those of you who don't personally know a feminist, and lest you think they fit the ridiculous caricature popularized in many circles, I give you Josie, dressed up as an angel at the LDS History Museum in Salt Lake. Now who doesn't want to give that little angel a squeeze and tell her she can be and do anything?

OK, Sometimes All is Fun in Politics

2008-10-08T17:52:00.001-07:00

Like nearly all Americans, the Dorii household is currently experiencing a wicked case of emotional indigestion over the current economic and political climate in America. But even in the darkest of hours, Saturday Night Live promises to shine a bit of light on an otherwise grim set of circumstances. Tina Fey has stepped into the role of Sarah Palin and Amy Poehler impersonates both Hillary Clinton and Katie Couric in what I think are some of the funniest and, in hindsight, influential political satires in recent memory.

The SNL skit that marked the end of the beginning of the Palin bounce.

And here is the skit that marked the beginning of the end of the Palin VP run.

Mom, could we please get a cat?

2008-10-08T17:12:00.000-07:00

Mom, here are some nice cute pics of cats.

Thanks to my aunt who sent these to me.

Daner's Imagination

2008-10-06T19:21:00.000-07:00

We moved on Wednesday and so have spent the last 4-5 days packing. While it largely just plain sucks to pack, one great thing is you find little long lost treasures behind the sofa, under the bed, and in the back of the closet. Cass found one such treasure in the form of a couple of Dane's writing assignments from last school year.

Assignment 1: On Cockroaches

The cockroaches are aliens from planet gua-gua in the alpha centauri star. Their food on their home planet is freeze-dried burritos. They mate by belching their national anthem. They got to our planet by their most skilled craftsroaches who built a spaceship assembly.

Assignment 2: On a New Holiday

If I could make a holiday, it would be Obama Day! It would be on August 4th. It would be because August 4th is his B-day.

Survey Says- A move to PSU

2008-09-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

You were right if you voted that we are moving closer to campus!
Sorry Mom, neither Shawn nor I are pregnant and we aren't going to be a day's drive away, either.

We had exactly one week to prepare for the move. We found out last Thursday and we get to move on Wednesday, October 1st.

We'll post some pics of the new place soon.

And if you live close by and want to join the moving team, we would love your help.

Thanks for voting!

Best of the Blogs

2008-09-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

I thought I would do a quick review of 'Best of the Blogs' that I've come across recently. Now, some of these are my friends, some are complete strangers, and some are people that should be my friends only they have no idea who I am (how sad for me).

#1 This made my day from 'The Lucky Nest' Blog
This was the winning post because it actually happened. To quote: "God bless our federal government. The silly billies have misprinted this year's duck stamps (essentially, hunting permits) with a phone number directing callers to a sex line. And apparently, the mistake is too expensive to correct. AWESOME.

The carrier card for the duck stamp transposes two numbers, so instead of listing 1-800-782-6724, it lists 1-800-872-6724. The first number spells out 1-800-STAMP24, while the second number spells out 1-800-TRAMP24.

People calling that second number are welcomed by "Intimate Connections" and enticed by a husky female voice to "talk only to the girls that turn you on," for $1.99 a minute.
Read the full article here."

#2- Life as Art, by Dirk Handlebar
Hands down one of the coolest posts I've ever read. Dirk and Jana try to recreate famous Van Gogh paintings on their last visit to France. I seriously wish I was as cool as either of them.

#3- TAMNers goes to Washington, by Seriously So Blessed
If you haven't joined the crowd and started reading Seriously So Blessed, now is your chance. This blog is a hilarious spoof on being young and hip and Mormon. The winning post this week is on which political candidate should win. Toss up for TAMNers. Read more about the blog on Deseret News.

#4 & #5- You're not alone, and A New TV Series on My Religious Blog
This is a new take on the spirit world and spirit prison. You know, I was looking for more material for my gospel doctrine class, but I think I found better material for a stand up routine. I'll let you know if I can work it into my Sunday school lesson. :)

#6- My Conference Talk, by Bishop Higgins Third Ward
This is the same writer as the above post, and it is just as funny. It reminds me of the way we talk about how many children to have. We have no standards, but let me tell you what they should be. Long live Bishop Higgins!

#7- Too Much Time of My Hands? by Darin Tandberg
Darin puts her face on yearbook pictures from the last few decades. Very funny! We've tried this ourselves, and let me tell you that Shawn is a super hottie in '88.

#8-Breaking News, by Marshal + Lindsey
Maybe this is funny to me because I have both a Coach and Dooney and Burke purse. Yup, I need help. Luckily, Lindsey's tripolar persona is prepared to instruct me in being fashionable!

#9-I Know Food Storage is True, by Shawn Dorius
Okay, so I know it is weird to vote for yourself, but I just reread this and couldn't stop laughing. In case any of you missed it on the first time around as well, it is worth taking a look.

Feel free to leave a comment with links to your favorite blogs or posts!

Credit Card Fame

2008-09-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was at the grocery store with my brother. When the clerk was done ringing him up he pulled out his credit card to pay. I was surprised to see the picture on his card was of Josie meditating (the 'Instant Karma' pic on the top left of the blog). Very cool!

Now that I know how easy (and anonymous) it is to pilfer pictures from blogs for your personal use, I thought I would list a few of the pictures that are in the running for my next foray into credit.

#1-Maybe I should be political ? I've come across some embarrassing photos that might work:

#2- Or maybe I should stick with pics of my family. That way when people ask what they look like I'll always have a picture available, even if it is plastic.

#3- Or maybe I should take a page out of my brother's playbook and put cute pictures of other people's kids on my card. Maybe Evanie or Zola?

Or, I could use the card to remind me of my hidden love of Cher and Elmo. I think it might just be the winner since it will bring many smiles to grocery store clerks across the country.

If you could put any picture on your credit card, what would it be? And, if the picture is from a blog, what is the link?

A picture says a thousand words

2008-09-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

I came across these directions for wearing a hat--just in case the person who bought the Stetson is unsure how to wear the Stetson.

Shoot! If only these instructions had come with my last hat purchase. Next time I'll know better because I'll remember that the hat doesn't go on my feet!

How can we be lovers if I can't have hair?

2008-09-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

All of the recent press coverage about BYU's football team has me ruminating on my years at the Y. I really liked our time there, but that is not to say there weren't areas that were hard to handle. Now that I am four years and 2000 miles removed from both the rule-oriented BYU and the larger culture behind the Zion Curtain, some aspects of BYU life seem kind of silly. Like the regular condemnation of girls who elected to use single strap backpacks and sling it over one shoulder, causing a certain mammary area to become prominent (it makes me think bad thoughts). Or the cyclical indignation at those lazy pseudo-cougars who cut across the grass rather than walk around on the sidewalks (cougars don't cut corners!). But perhaps the one that seems most trivial now is facial hair. As you know, men at the Y are required to be clean shaven. With the exception of a porn 'stache, all other facial hair is deemed inappropriate. It seems rather arbitrary and trivial to single out the chin and cheek hair for extermination, rather than scalp hair, eyelid hair, or eyebrow hair (or, in my case, the rapidly growing frock of hair on my ears).

All of this gets me to wondering, "Wouldn't it be awesome, in a freakish kind of way, if the next style trend to find its way to the contraband list was the eyebrow?" Think how it would look if a few of America's more prolific film makers decided to pursue a conservative religious education at the Y under this hypothetical honor code. Perhaps something like this:

Martin Scorcese

Stanley Kubrik

Oliver Stone

Francis Ford Coppola (the beret is a toss-up. Kind of beatniky and dangerous, but also kind of a nice little homage to the fan fave beret's of the Salt Lake Winter Olympics.)

Survey Says- Daner loves to read!

2008-09-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

If you guessed that Dane read between 7,500- 10,000 pages during the summer reading program you were right. He read just shy of 9,000 pages. Josie read an impressive 2,000+ pages for the summer program (mid June- mid August).

Thanks for voting!

Fair Weather Friends

2008-09-24T17:26:00.000-07:00

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the 2008 Eastern Idaho State Fair.

Here's my rockin' sister-in-law Heather. I'm thinking she is faking her pregnancy to explain away the five month 'corn bump'.

Here is a picture of my Dad and Jo chillin' in the back of the booth. Notice Dad's feet up on the foot massager? It' a tough life. (And does this picture remind anyone else of George Bluth and Kitty, but not in a weird way?)

Although Josie had her share of relaxing, she was a surprisingly hard worker for most of the week. The Fresh Lime booth co-oped her skills and she helped make mixed drinks for several of the afternoons. I'm so proud of her! She was paid in quarters for her work, and I think she made nearly her weight's worth. Although, she is very skinny so that might not be saying much. :) Here she is at the FL booth:

Dane mostly goofed around. We found him in the freezer of the big booth one afternoon, just having some fun.

He was also a big fan of the ventriloquist show at the fair. He even made it on stage as a helper! When we could tear Dane away from the DS (or pranks) he helped by drilling some curly fries...

Which were not to be outdone by the original fry guys, Ryan and Rich. (They are watching an eating contest where everyone ate a huge plate of their famous fries in this picture.)

Shawn and I tried our hands at running the grill. I'm faster. Okay, okay, its a toss up.

And here are our friends Chase & Tina. They are the kid's idols for taking them on their horses.

And the last picture is 'the new face of Van's Diner for 2009'. Feel free to vote for (1) posing girl, (2) video game boy, or (3) mop head man. I'm going with the mop head because I think long blue hair is sexy.

What We Love about Idaho

2008-09-23T10:25:00.000-07:00

Our three favorite things about Idaho in 2008:

1. Bear Lake (which is also in Utah, don't be confused) We had a great time hanging out on the beach, chilling at Grandma and Grandpa Oberst's cabin, going hiking, and just relaxing for a few days. See Shawn's post for more BL details.

2. Grandpa and Grandma Rasmussen's house. My dad lives in one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, and it is always great to go and visit. Some of our favorite things from this trip were canoing and swimming in the Snake River, roasting marshmallows in the fire pit, and just chilling on the deck and watching the water and birds. It was all very calming and wonderful! Below is a shot of my dad's place near Blackfoot, ID from the air. Who wouldn't have a great time here?

Here is a picture of the night we roasted marshmallows at the fire pit . Heather, Dad, Shawn and Dane look pretty happy, but Josie looks a little...well, terrified. Maybe she thought she would be the delicacy at the end of the stick. Josie loves to draw, and what better place to do it than on the deck at my dads?

And here's Dane just enjoying his time outside. :)

3. The Eastern Idaho State Fair. My brothers run a fair booth here and we flew out to help them sling burgers and sell fries. The booth is named after my dad (to his ultimate shame) and the advertisements are all supposed to be people in our family (to our shame).
Guess which cartoon character is my dad (Van), my brothers (Ry and Rich), and me?

Yup, Rich is the sexy refill girl, and I'm the red-head with a drill. My dad is the fat-kneed round-faced eater, and Ry is the other smiling fry guy.

Wait. Scratch that. Ry and Rich are the fry guys. So where does that leave me? Yup, the girl with nursing-sized breasts. (Shawn can only dream.) I guess it could be worst. I could be the big-boned fair-goer with his mouth full of a gigantic burger. No wonder my dad never wants to come by the booth. We all wear shirts with his name on them and then we advertise that he has a burger eating problem. What's wrong with us? Don't we want an inheritance?

Or maybe the boys think they'll make their money off of drilling potatoes and showing the hint of curly red chest hair to the ladies? Hmm...it seems to have worked for Rich!

"Kids, Cher your toys!"

2008-09-22T19:25:00.000-07:00

Now that both of our kids reside in the land of the literate, we are regularly reminded of how silly English is, with so many words sounding alike but being spelled differently (homophones). "No Josie, Dane is my son, not my sun." "The Dorii are carnivores and we therefore eat meat, not meet." The list of homophones is, I am finding out, HUGE. There is still one homophone screw-up that I am waiting for, with no small amount of juvenile glee.

"Daddy look, I Cherred my Elmo!"

"Mommy! Aren't you proud, I Cherred my GI Joe!"

FYI, go easy on my Photoshop skills. It took me something like 2 hours to figure out how to do these two hack jobs. Oh, and anyone wondering why graduate school takes so long. You're looking at it right here and now.

Yipee-i-yea

2008-09-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

I know that we've been back from our trip to the west for awhile, but since I am still playing catch up with everything, there hasn't been much time for blogging. So, I'll add a few posts on some of our favorite experiences a little at a time. And I'll start with the kid's favorite event: horseback riding!

Our friends Tina and Chase McBurney have an impressive horse arena in Pingree, Idaho (with their parents) and they let me and the kids stop by a few weeks ago for a few hours of horseback riding and fun.

The lesson started with Tina walking Dane and Josie around the arena on two large horses named Jo and Junior. After the kids got the hang of using reigns and the back of their heels they were able to ride on their own for about a half an hour.

True to form, as soon as Tina handed over the reigns Josie was kicking in her heels and trying to get her horse to run. Her child's saddle was equipped with Velcro straps so she couldn't fall off the horse if she tried. It was hilarious to see her trying to turn and run an enormous horse and watch her ponytail bob up and down as she ran across the arena, laughing the entire time.

Dane also had a great time and ran his horse as much as possible. Unfortunately, since his saddle didn't have stirrups that fit him properly, he was banging up and down on the hard leather for most of the morning and he was very saddle sore the next day! (I'm still hoping he can have children someday!)

The kids also got to try a few cool tricks on their horses once the saddles came off. At the end of the lesson Tina had Jo (the horse, not the girl) lay on her side on the ground. The kids sat on her and then she stood up. Impressive! The kids also had a chance to ride the horses bareback (with the attentive help of Chase and Tina). Here is a vid from my phone--terrible quality, but at least you get some idea of what was going on. :)

In addition to being mightily impressed by kids, it was a lot of fun to see Chase and Tina in their element. I knew they liked horses a lot--after all, they were married while sitting ON TOP of two horses--but I hadn't ever seen them doing the cowboy thing. Tina is a great teacher! And, Chase trains horses professionally, so it was amazing to see how he can control their movements with just a slight twitch of the hand. Not to be outdone by either of their talented parents, Chase and Tina's sons are definitely on their way to becoming cowboys. Their youngest son helped to teach Dane how to rope a steer. Awesome!

If only I would have produced children with marketable roping skills by 18 months! Next time I'll have clearer goals....

"That's What She Said"

2008-09-20T20:17:00.001-07:00

Earlier this summer our stake youth participated in Trek. For those of you who are not familiar with this activity, it's a reenactment of the pioneers crossing the country in covered wagons and handcarts (the latter, incidentally, was a brutal failure and inflicted serious pain, suffering and death and those poor souls). The kids showed up in the wilderness of central PA on a Thursday morning to find handcarts laden with gear ready to be pushed over 10 miles to the evening campsite. They pushed and pulled without complaint all day and then again the following day.

I got to dress up like James Allen, the gentile captain in the US army at the time of the Mexican-American War, and recruit all the young men from Trek to join the Mormon Battalion. I then gave a 30 minute fireside talk (technically, it was a roadside talk, since there was no fire and we were on the side of a gravel road) about women, because I know one. The only real difference between a fireside and a roadside is at a roadside talk you can use the word fart without being struck by lightening.

The activity was really well organized, all of the adult leaders did an extraordinary job, and the kids were troopers. With any kind of large stake activity like Trek or youth conference, you must come up with a theme, based on a scripture, and then a slogan. As is typical, leaders then get t-shirts printed up with the slogan and give them out to all the kids. Our scripture this year was Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me". Though I'm not 100% sure this was the scripture because stake activities are highly compartmentalized and I wasn't a part of the t-shirt or theme committees, I am supremely confident about the slogan, because I have in my possession one of the t-shirts. The slogan for this years Trek activity was "I can do hard things". I only have one thing to say about it, and it's a quote from Michael Scott of The Office.

"That's what she said."

Russian Mafia

2008-09-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

Being that we are a relatively poor graduate student family, we live in rent subsidized housing in Boalsburg, PA. While living here has many benefits--a large, 4 bedroom, 2.5 bath townhouse, lots of storage space, etc--the neighborhood itself has proven to be less than desirable. We've been the target of regular theft operations, including: two tanks of gas from our Durango, Dane's scooter, our baseball bats, and our gardening water bucket. In addition there are several large families that practice a kind of 'hand's-off' parenting style (that's my attempt to be PC with the fact that there's a pack of wild kids running around the neighborhood at all hours nearly fully unsupervised). While I get extraordinarily frustrated at the thefts, Josie crying after being pelted by an airborne brick and bruises from stick attacks by members of the pack, etc., generally I have felt some odd sense of restraint. I thought that it was my total fear of confrontation (wussy) and my need to be tolerant of people from different backgrounds (liberal), but this morning I looked outside and finally realized why I've never launch a full frontal retaliatory assault. Our difficult neighbors are members of the Russian Mafia.

How do I know this? Two things: 1) they're Russians, and 2) the Dad's wear track suits like I wear jeans and a t-shirt. Everyone knows that Hollywood is merely a silverscreened reflection of reality, and everyone also knows that in every decent crime drama/action adventure involving the Russian Mafia that they wear track suits. For two examples, see Running Scared and Eastern Promises. And do you remember Owen Wilson's attempt at action super hero (Behind Enemy Lines), where he basically just runs the entire movie? Yeah, the villainous 'almost Russian' is the one wearing an unmatched track suit.

Oh, and though not quite Russian, if I remember right, all the bad guys in The Departed seem to at some point show up to bad guy gatherings wearing track suits. Same is true with the Boston Southie thugs in Mystic River. I may be wrong on these last two, but if they weren't wearing track suits, it was faux leather and that's practically the same thing.

Ok, I actually don't know if the Russian Mafia wear's track suits, but I do know that I'm a little intimidated by the ones in my neighborhood, so I'm sticking to my theory.

Piano Prodigy

2008-09-17T18:18:00.001-07:00

In the Dorii household, we firmly believe that every human being should:

a) kill their own food for meat, especially if they are Vegan.

b) register and vote (assuming they were righteous enough in the pre-earth life to be born into a democracy), unless, of course, their gay. In the latter case, it appears they should just go away so that civilization will come back from the brink of ruin.

c) have the chance to talk someone down from a suicidal leap from any of the tall buildings Superman is alleged to have jumped over.

d) have the opportunity to wear spandex to church, or the office, without fear of ridicule.

e) breath in fresh, clean air, and then cough out disease and germs on anyone they damn well please, because this is America after all. Once they start telling us we have to cover our mouths when coughing, we'll know the terrorists have won.

f) have to shave their head and go bald on their 18th birthday so that they will have a little more compassion for people, like me, who are endowed with subpar cranial foliage.

g) have the ability to play two hymns on the piano should the necessity arise.

It is with the latter requirement in mind that both kids started piano lessons this week. They seemed to like it pretty good. I took violin for a short while when I was 8, but by and large, I am musically illiterate, so it has been fun for me to have them teach me what they are learning. Apparently, in piano, each finger is assigned a number. The thumb is number 1, the pointer finger is number 2, and so on. One of the kids exercises was to identify each numbered finger correctly.

Below, Josie is giving me a double 3 finger. If she weren't smiling, I'd think she had it out for me.

And here is a clip of our little piano prodigy.

Bear Lake

2008-09-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

We're playing a little catch up on the blog for the next few days/weeks now that we are back from our recent vacation to Utah and Idaho. One of our favorite stops every time we go out West to visit family is to meet up with Kim and Jay at the family cabin at Bear Lake (home of the famous Bear Lake Monster, raspberry milkshakes, and the bear lake cutthroat trout). Besides the usual relaxation at the cabin, we typically try and get some time on the water down at the lake, a round of golf at the club course, and a trek up to Bloomington Lake or Minnitonka Cave. This year it was jet ski rentals, morning golf, and a hike up to Bloomington Lake during the days, and then grilling at the cabin at night.

When it comes to jet ski's, Dane knows only one speed--full throttle. In a ride with Uncle Ryan on the back, Dane stopped so fast that he sent Ry flying over the jet ski and into the lake, and yes, Ryan made another sun glasses offering to the Bear Lake Gods.

Me and Dane just coming in.

Never passing up a chance to build something, Josie quickly went to work on a sand volcano.

Dane warming up in the hot tub. We're pretty sure it was just the sun that made this little pool of water so warm.

And Uncle Ryan being cruel to poor Molly--feeding her sand and shells.

Bloomington Lake is a small, high mountain lake nestled in Caribou Nation Forest above Bear Lake. A short and easy hike from the trailhead puts you at this crystal clear, snow fed lake. We usually try and take swim gear, even though the water is something like minus 10 degrees...or colder. There is a pretty killer rope swing at the lake too.

Josie was particularly happy to find a tree trunk float near shore. Or maybe she's just squeezing a fart in the water.

Dane doing a great job at the rope swing at Bloomington. The video footage is cut short at the end, and what you don't see is where Molly swam out and mauled Daner.

And here is what the government sees when it spies on a bunch of vacationing liberals.

Well, that was a brief synopsis of the Bear Lake portion of the trip.

School Days

2008-09-08T19:13:00.001-07:00

We just got back from a three week vacation--well, sort of a vacation (more on that later)--to Idaho and Utah on Sunday and today was the first day of school for the kids. It was Josie's first day at YSCP, after having graduated from kindergarten at the Bennett Center. She was terribly nervous about her first day, mostly because she missed the whole first week while in Idaho. But, she survived and even took me up on the offer to learn the names of two kids in her class in exchange for ice cream after school. Actually, she told me 5 kids names and so she got a very special treat; some kind of slime filled stretchy ball from the grocery store (that promptly exploded in the car on the way home). Oh, and her favorite subjects are 1. Recess, and 2. Lunch.

Dane literally ran from the car to his class to see Mrs. Pastore (for those of you who don't know Dane, this will be the only time he runs to school for the rest of the year, as he hates school just about as much as onions and that nasty Italian sauce they serve him at school). Mrs. P. was Dane's 2nd grade teacher last year and moved up to third grade this year. One of the best things about 3rd grade is that Dane now gets his own desk. Quite mischievously, he informed me that today he drew up plans for a flying car and has them hiding in his desk. He and I are committed to winning the school science fair this year, so maybe I'll have to pull out my ninja gear and do a night time raid for the secret plans. I've seen Bruce Lee do it in Enter the Dragon (which, incidentally, is the greatest martial arts film of all time) and think I'm up for it.

I Know That Food Storage is True

2008-08-18T20:47:00.001-07:00

The church recently put out an APB for members to flood the internet with personal food storage stories. While I will leave a discussion about the implications of this kind of church exhortation to brighter minds, I couldn't pass up a chance to march to the beat.

The Dorii take food storage very seriously and we have implemented a 7-point plan to secure the cupboard from both foreign and domestic threats (we leave homeland security to the Minutemen). Why 7 you ask? Because everyone knows that all good things come in 7s: 7-11, 7 habits, 7 days, 7 brides for 7 brothers, 7-up...

1. PRIVATIZE FOOD STORAGE: Every member of the family is responsible for finding their own food storage location. Recently we found that Josie stores her food behind the garbage can under the sink. Though it might just be that she is terrible at scraping her plate INTO the garbage can after dinner, we like to think that she is really just as serious as we are about food storage. Side note: I recently discovered that hamburgers stored under the sink have at least a two month, no rot, shelf life. Kind of like hardtack, only with protein.

2. FOOD STORAGE SHOULD BE EASILY ACCESSIBLE: Under the sofa cushions is one of our favorite places. When you're watching a show and get a little hungry, you have goodies on hand. One hand dives into the cushions for the snacks and the other for the remote control (and if your lucky, you might come up with a couple of nickels too). The best part is that when friends visit they can sneak a bite to eat without having to go through the awkward, "Do you mind if I..."

3. NEVER OVERLOOK THE OL' ESTOMAGO: There is no better place to store food than in your own stomach. It's efficient and it saves cupboard space. We all know about the virtues of 72-hour kits, but if packed correctly, your own stomach turns that 72 hour kit into a 96 hour kit.

4. BUY IN BULK: Never discount the water content in a can of DC. Every time diet Coke or Pepsi goes on sale, we buy 4 or 5 cases. We like to buy the jumbo bags of kettle cooked chips and corn dogs too. The chips are for me and Cass (a DC, chips, and a late nite flick and I'm in heaven) and the corn dogs are for the home teachers. Forget about offering the home teachers a drink or fresh baked cookies when they make their end-of-month appearance. Uptight HTs eating microwaved corn dogs slathered in mustard--well that's a memory that will last a lifetime. And when it comes to food storage, anything that lasts a lifetime is a home run.

5. ONLY STORE AND EAT PROCESSED FOODS: Fresh fruits and veggies are totally over-rated. They have a ridiculously short shelf life, they cost buckets of cash, and lets be honest, they taste terrible. I mean, Mikey wasn't smiling at a bowl of carrots, it was the bowl of Life Cereal that brought out the warm fuzzies. And it's a Snicker's that really satisfies, not a turnip.

6. ONLY STORE FOOD YOU WON'T EAT. Food storage is not rocket science. If we only buy food that we eat, then we'll eat it and there won't be anything left over to store. The key then, is to buy really horrible food--egg plant, liver and onions, canned veggies, sardines, lard, rocky mountain oysters--and lots of it. Lousy food is guaranteed to hang around the cupboards and fridge for a long time and will be there for you in an emergency. The same holds for those obscure veggies that find their way to the bottom of the fruit and vegetable drawer in the fridge. Buy loads of 'em.

7. WATCH RED DAWN AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR: At first blush, this rule may seem a little odd, but in many ways, it's the most important. Watching Red Dawn is the call-to-arms for anyone serious about cataclysmic events and it serves as a much needed source of motivation when commitment to the principles of food storage starts to wane. Every law is part spirit and part letter. Rules 1-6 are the letter, and Rule 7 is the spirit. Go Wolverines!

NOTE: Astute readers may have noticed that rules 5 and 6 seem to...how shall I put this...contradict each other. You're absolutely right. Everyone knows that the first mark of a good system is internally inconsistent logic.

Dream On!

2008-08-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

In a recent post I complained that Josie was growing up too fast. This post is a partial retraction.

On the way home from the store Josie told me that she had been having the same "wicked awesome" dream for the last several nights. To paraphrase her enthusiastic storytelling: "There was a mean sorceress who kidnapped a beautiful princess and turned her to stone. Her love, a handsome prince, came and rescued her, but before they could get away the sorceress caught them and turned them both to stone. And then I wake up laughing like this: 'hahahaha'."

I did a full turn-of-the-head while driving on the freeway. "What? Why were you laughing?" Oh, silly mom that I am, I assumed she was identifying with the princess in her dream.

"Because", said Josie, "I'm the sorceress and I think love stories are stupid."

Oh. Hmmm.

Dream on!

Merpanda Express

2008-08-13T17:46:00.000-07:00

Hello, I'm Dane. At the bottom, you can see that
as a baby, I drank toxic waste instead of milk. I
am super good at video games and...

BYE

To laugh or not to laugh, that is the question....Dawn, close your eyes!

2008-08-13T11:35:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has spent any measurable time with Shawn and me knows that we have different concepts of what is funny. His sense of humor is based largely on jokes about sex and bodily processes while I tend to enjoy a little more refined humor. (Okay, so I'm probably boring and Shawn is probably juvenile, but it works for us.) After 11 years of marriage I have gotten used to the humor routine: Shawn says something naughty, I say "Shaaawwwnnn" and we all move on.

That is why I am so surprised at how blogging has changing our basic approach to what we think is appropriate and funny. On several of my blogs Shawn has been concerned that I am being too edgy. Even the name of the blog was debated (alright, that makes sense to me)--Shawn wanted to have it be 'the dorii' or 'the dorius family' and I was looking for something a little more memorable.

So I'm putting this out here for all of you to decide. When I came across this picture I laughed hysterically. I don't know why it is so funny to me, but it is. Shawn is opposed to me posting it; perhaps he is worried that it will be demeaning to trees? Or, more likely, he is worried that you'all won't love and respect me anymore.

Either way, here goes. I am posting the offensive item and asking the question: What is appropriate for a friends and family blog? Is it okay to tell any of the jokes you would tell when your friends are present, or should you write your blog for the most conservative of viewers? (For me, that means my lovely mother-in-law who is on a mission and is trying to keep her mind spiritually elevated--which is why she shouldn't be reading this anyway if she followed the advise in the title).

I would love to hear what you have to say on this.

Below is the picture and tag line that started this rant and self-reflection. Enjoy. Or don't. Or, if you think you won't, don't even look. Then, you can't be sad/disappointed/angry/determined to hunt me down and wash my mouth out. It's really a no win situation for you. If you laugh, you are crude like me, and if you don't, then why did you look in the first place? Don't say I didn't warn you...

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A Sneak Peak at "The Happening 2"

I was rummaging around on the internet and came across what I believe to be a sneak peek at '"The Happening 2". It looks like it has basically the same story line as the first movie, except the message isn't as subtle and there are no scenes with lawn tractors. I'm undecided if I should go.

A week of bap-na-tisms

2008-08-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

This week our family went to two bap-na-tisms.

And, yes, I am purposely misspelling the word. Josie calls them bap-na-tisms and NO one is allowed to correct her. It is adorable. Someone finally taught her the proper way to say lemonade instead of lemon-lade, and I'm still holding a bit of a grudge.

You see, Josie is the baby of the family and I'm trying to keep her acting like a little girl as long as possible. Which may be harder than it sounds.

At the swimming pool a few weeks ago, Josie kept lying down, looking around, and then repositioning herself so she looked exactly like the college girls tanning around her. It is a scary moment when you realize the race to grow up is on; mom on one side trying to talk her into cannonballs and being silly, and all of the cool, pretty, interesting teenagers who are showing her how to act like a real woman.

As long as I have childish things like calling baptisms 'bap-na-tisms' to hold onto, I'm calling it a win for mom.

But the race is most definitely on.

Here she is being grown-up and responsible (two school bags!) and then showing the little girl inside (apparently, the little girl inside likes to leave food outside of her mouth).

Cass the Worker Bee

2008-08-11T16:38:00.001-07:00

Cass is famous (or infamous, depending on your perspective) for giving 100% to whatever she does and this weekend turned out to be no exception. Friday night was a late night party in the Dorii household, including kids mattresses downstairs in front of the TV for a nearly all-night rendezvous with Phineas and Ferb, purple colored rice crispy treats, popcorn, and for the big kids, diet Pepsi.

Anything but full nudity is pure torture for Josie, but we find our compromises. She decided to create what she called a Sumo loincloth to cover her nakedness.

Saturday morning was recovery time for the whole family after our late night party. Then we were off to Grace's baptism, where Dane gave a talk on baptism, including a super-cool science experiment/object lesson involving food color, chlorine, and mason jars.

From there, we blazed down to Altoona so I could go to stake meetings and help out with a stake youth dance. The fam came along and we got to stop and eat at El Campesino, our favorite Mex restaurant in the area (even though the combination of salsa and carne asada guarantees I'll be up till the wee hours groaning with indigestion). The dance seemed to be going well so I snuck out early and Cass, the kids and I went to Chuck-e-Cheeses to prove to the locals that we are in fact, the best skee ballers in the UNIVERSE!

When not slaying 'em on skeeball, Dane proved to be a pretty killer coach.

And a sneak peak at our winnings. Josie pulled a Laman and Lemuel on Daner, leaving him tied to the mast of the USS Chucky while the rest of us celebrated. I guess tying him up beats using those weird dog leashes some parents use on their kids.

Cass smoked me in the b-ball shoot, racking up an impressive 58 points.

Then we got home, put the kids to bed, and worked into the wee hours...again...finishing up a gospel doctrine lesson (Cass) and a young men's lesson for the Huntington Branch Conference (Shawn). Following Sunday meetings, we scrambled to get ready and host a delish grilled salmon b-b-que with some of our very best pals, followed by hours of excellent conversation.

Back to my lead-in to the post...Cass goes for it, no matter what. She had an important end-of-week deadline for a research paper she is co-authoring with our department head, and it was time to get busy, being that the weekend was almost over. She started on the final edits a little after 10pm, and approximately 6 DC's and 10 hours later, the kids and I woke up to a bleary eyed, but still awake Cass. She even smiled as she reported that the edits were nearly done. After dropping Josie off at summer camp, she did 2 hours of meetings on campus, and finally decided it was time to take a break. We love her! And this is what she looks like right now.

Ahhh. Sleepy Time.

Final Field Trip

2008-08-11T15:24:00.000-07:00

It was the final field trip for Josie's summer camp today. She got to go to Bald Eagle State Park and swim. She worked very hard to make a hot-tub in the shallow water, but the waves kept breaking her sand walls!

Unlike many of the girls in Josie's class, she really likes to play with the boys. If they give her any trouble, she'll kick 'em in what she interchangeably refers to as their "privates", "Johnson", and "nudicles". We ain't raisin' no sissy here in PA.

Thank you for the music

2008-08-06T20:16:00.001-07:00

Yesterday we had our last girl's night with Kendra. She is off to North Carolina with her family now that Benji has graduated and gotten a real job (way to go!). I don't think there could have been a better way to send her off then going with a bunch of friends to a movie length musical starring the hits of ABBA. Since Kendra has been the one to put together most of our musically themed movie nights (with some dress up nights as well) I guess it is appropriate to say goodbye in the words of ABBA- Thank you for the music! We'll miss you!

Bomber Update

2008-08-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

The kids got the itch to go back to the rope swing tonight and Cass came along to work on her swinging skills as well. It was great. A couple of truly excellent video clips documenting the activity are calling out for publication, and so, without further ado...

Josie brought her life jacket and mask this time, and was feeling much braver on the swing.

I got to show off my only move--the slow and sloppy black flip. Don't tell Cass its wussy, she still thinks I'm the cat's meow.

And for the grand finale, Cass and Dane show off their own glamorous attempts. Clearly, the Dorii need to brush up on our rope skills, but, hey, its a start right?

Bombs Away

2008-08-05T19:00:00.001-07:00

The kids and I decided to hit a local rope swing on Spring Creek yesterday. It was Dane's second time to the rope swing, and he hit it like a pro.

It was Josie's first time to the creek and also her first time on a rope swing. She was quite proud of herself for swinging out and dropping into a VERY chilly stream.The last people at the creek left behind a little inflatable raft and both kids had fun paddling around on it.

Weeee'rrreee Baaaccckkk

2008-08-04T16:05:00.000-07:00

Shawn and I just got back from a conference in Boston. While it was mostly work, we did sneak up to Salem one evening. We took a stroll through downtown and ate dinner at a seafront restaurant.
We also took a ride out onto the bay on the schooner replica Fame complete with period minstrels.

Luckily, we've had some good friends holding down the home fort during our four day networking and schmooze fest. Justin and Kitti said that all went well, with one or two exceptions.

On Friday night, Justin had to drive Dane back to our house for an important online chat with 'his parents'. It wasn't until after they agreed to the hassle of splitting the kids and taking their only car across town that they realized he was talking about chatting with 'Terrance' and the important 8pm meeting was to play a video game called Club Penguin. They were great sports, and Dane and 'his parents/Terrance' had their online chat at exactly 8 pm. (Thanks, J & K!)

Josie also had an interesting moment. When Justin went to wake her up for school one morning there was a note slipped under the door that she had written. It read: "HELP mY the Dor Wot OPEN itis Lammd!!!" Which can be interpreted to read: "HELP! My door won't open. It is jammed!!!" Justin was able to jiggle the door open and save the day, but Josie kept the note safely wrapped in plastic until we returned so she could prove to us that she was traumatized while we were gone.

We decided to come home from the trip a day early so we could chaperon Josie's field trip to Penn's Caves. Here is a picture inside the cave (dark and scary, eh?). It was a lot of fun. Next time any of our friends from out west visit, we will bring you here as well!

Hello, may name is Cass and...

2008-07-26T11:12:00.000-07:00

This morning I cracked into my Diet Coke at exactly 9:36 am. Everyone around me had their coffee, and since I've been taught that coffee is totally bad for you, I opted for a much healthier method to introduce caffeine into my system.

Oh snap. That doesn't sound right.

I hear the first step on the road to recovery is to admit you have a problem. Um, in case you don't know, I have a problem.

But I think I'm getting better. I decided to quit DC cold turkey --although I did pack a Diet Pepsi for my lunch. That's an improvement, right? No? Hmm. Next time I'll buy a Dr. Pepper and break myself of this nasty Diet addiction.

One day at a time.

(Thanks for the pic, Heather!).

On the road again

2008-07-25T19:01:00.000-07:00

I am on the road right now for work and the hotel room is pretty lonely without the kids and Shawn. So to fight the loneliness here in Ann Arbor I am posting a photo of what hotel rooms should be used for (when there are children present, at least).

Our Effing Awesome Family

2008-07-25T18:51:00.000-07:00

So, you may be asking yourself, what is up with the Dorii’s blog address? OUR EFFING FAMILY? Are you kidding, angry, or just scared of writing the f-bomb out fully*?

None of the above, actually.

Recently I pulled myself out from the rock I have been hiding under for the last 5 years and realized that most of my friends were avid bloggers, and I didn’t even know what blogspot was. So, I’ve immersed myself into the strange culture of blogging and have made a few observations that have led me (yes, me) to choose our family blogspot address.

Observation #1: Most blogs are named after the people who are being described in the blog. So, a lot of the people we know have blogs named after families, or specific kids, or in some cases, the husband’s and wife’s names are glued together to create a new name, like ShawCass (perhaps they are taking the ‘cleave unto one another’ thing too seriously?) .

Observation #2: These blog names are terrible. They don’t reflect what people are really trying to say about themselves. It seems like people make blogs so they can highlight all of the great things they are doing and so they can tell their families back home how amazing they are/how much fun they are having/how cute their kids are/why they rock.

Observation #3: Everyone is much funnier and perkier in blogs then they are in real life. For example, no one I talk to regularly says “OH MY GOSH!”, but in blogs they use OMG every other line to describe how FUN! and EXCITING! their lives are (and always with a generous use of caps and exclamation points). And to add to the perkiness of one’s blog, all you need to do is include the words “ginormous”, “vaycay”, “effing”, or “sheesh” which somehow come off as sounding fun rather than implicating you for plagiarizing the script from Clueless.

So, when I put these three blogging rules together I came up with the perfect name for our family’s blog: OUR EFFING AWESOME FAMILY! Shawn thought the awesome part was a little conceited, so he dropped it when he created the blog address (clearly, he did not grasp the finer points of Observation #2). And, without the ‘awesome’ description, effing seems a little lost in translation.

That’s where you come in. Leave a comment on what word we should have added to our blog address to make OUR EFFING ___ FAMILY a little more descriptive, more fun, or more appropriate for the blogosphere**.

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* Although I wasn’t trying to be naughty, it does give me a little bit of a guilty pleasure to imagine Dawn and Sheldon, my in-laws on a mission in Argentina, typing in our blogspot name every week to get the latest photos of the family. I hope you think it’s funny too, Dawn!

**You can also offer suggestions for renaming your own blog, or the blogs of common friends. For example, if there was any justice in the universe, Zola’s blog would be named: MY KID IS WAY EFFING CUTER THAN YOUR KID! And The Fund’s blog should probably be named after the Jefferson’s theme song “MOVING ON UP!”.

Our Freaky Kids

2008-07-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

Being new to the blogging world, I thought I would start out safe. You know, find a cute picture of the family, say something sweet, and voila, our folks are all really proud. Here is what I came up with--a picture of the freakiest kids this side of Chernobyl. Dane, at just 8 years, is clearly well into puberty, and apparently split the crotch on his cute little Christmas jammies while wrestling with the super-rare white tiger slumbering next to him. Josie, the product of lots of alcohol and tobacco during gestation, has a foot growing out of her arm. To keep the godaweful thing warm at night, she opts for a sock instead of mittens.

Well, you can't say I didn't try.

Laggards

2008-07-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

With the introduction of any new technology, there is a fairly predictable pattern of diffusion. A small number of innovators jump on board first, followed by early adopters. Next come the early and late majority folks, and finally, the laggards. I'd have to say that when it comes to blogging, the Dorii are probably in the late majority pack, though among our circle of friends and family we are probably a bunch of no good laggards. But as the good book says, "Better late than never". So welcome to the sometimes exciting life and times of the Dorius family.